Posts tagged ‘writing’

Words under my eyelids

Me again.

I’ve gotten an awful knot in my back that I can not seem to get rid of. Probably from sleeping upright or curled in a ball…

After my last post, I tried to get up and do something with my life, alas I could not… I was just too uncomfortable, so I came back to my trusty nook and took to reading some, browsing the web, and reading freshly pressed. It seems I can not focus on anything. I spend the hours aimlessly lumbering around the house, wincing with every step, breath and cough.

One thing, however, on the freshly pressed page, caught my attention and I keep going back to it.

http://theelementarycircle.wordpress.com/2011/02/24/so-am-i-an-author-yet

Beautiful words there. Truly inspirational and motivational.  They kept coming back to me in a jumbles of ways, especially guilt at the stories I’ve left as barely finished word files on my documents in a special folder titled literature (everyone assumes its English Literature coursework and doesn’t bother to look there for anything juicy- so shhhh!)

So I ask, what keeps you going? What burns and fuels the story onwards? Whats the secret to giving a story a plausible spark of life?

That seems to be my problem. I’ll be working on something just fine, burning up the pages and pens, or the keyboard (wherever I happen to be writing, and I’ve found projects last longer when I work on paper and then copy into word files but always putting new text first on actual paper.) However, as soon as I show it to someone, it drains. It becomes a pail with a hole; a leaking balloon; a cracked window pane in the dead of winter… letting all the good stuff out. Where first I’ll have perceived a spark of life, sharing the story with others seems to steal that. I don’t know if its just in my head, if I get bored of it, or if I drop it because lately there just isn’t enough hours in the day… Whatever it is, I’d like to put a stop to it. I have 6 pieces on my laptop that I’ve worked on, off and on, since August.

I don’t know…

When you are working on something, and excited about it, do you share it? or wait until its complete? I always try to wait until the story is somewhat underway so that when/if I show it to other people, their opinions and thoughts won’t distract where I feel it taking me.

Another issue, another reason why I think it looses life for me, is, something I’ve mentioned before.

I hate compliments. I know, I know. It’s stupid. I mean who doesn’t like having something nice said to their face? provided its sincere that is. But that’s just it! No compliment is truly sincere! (or at least I don’t feel they are). When someone says they like your outfit, or shoes, or says that you are good at something- how often can you be sure its not hollow? That they aren’t just saying it to have you say the same thing back? I mean how often do we go around our lives and here someone compliment someone on (again) their hair, or shoes, or clothes (ok, so maybe I’m being a typical girl here, and this is just another reason why I envy guys because they don’t have all this put on them- I dont think) only to get the smile dripping, automatic reply of “Thanks, me to!” or whatever is fitting. I always feel that I’m put in an awkward position when receiving a compliment. There are three different cases:

1. From a peer: in which case all I can think is “Do I say thank you and walk off? Do I smile and compliment them? Do I compliment their hair, shoes, purse, shirt? WHat is it that they feel proud of that they want to flaunt? Or what is it that they feel insecure about and want validation for? (I’m normally pretty trustworthy- I think)

2. From a guy friend: which are the easiest because they don’t normally double twist meanings and go through the expense of complimenting a person just to have their own ego stoked. Still they aren’t always truthful so depending on who its coming from Ill either ignore it completely or smile and say thanks. None of this stupid girly, hair twirling ” Really? You thinks so?” -SOOOO passe!

3. From an adult/teacher: If its about something they have to do with, like if I did well in the recent show, I always feel compelled to explain how much thanks I owe to them for making it so wonderful or whatever. Its true, but I still feel awkward and compelled to do so. So I normally try to get that in before they can give me a compliment so that I know whether theirs is true or not. When its from an adult I get along well with, someone I consider more of a peer, its again a no problem zone. Then, the compliments are mature, and not gushy like, and i can take them in stride and bank them.

I know. I’m paranoid. What can I say? the thing is no matter where you look, people lie to you. You can’t trust family, because they have to love you no matter what, so I never show anything to my mom because she will either discourage me from it or say how wonderful it is, depending on what it is. I don’t show it to my dad because he probably wouldn’t care. I don’t show it to my brothers because they would just twist it around to make fun of me (*sigh*boiz) I’ll sometimes show it to my sister, but just because I know her so well and, well also because I’d feel bad ‘hiding’ something from her.

Friends? Please. Their worthless- when it comes to honesty that is. I’ve got one or two that I sometimes feel I can get the truth from, but when I get what they think is true and its good… well no one is that perfect… So I move on. It’s just, no mater what, they aren’t going to want to hurt you, especially when they know you well enough to see, even trying to hide it, how excited you are about something. So when my friend requests updates on every chapter I’ve written for a story I made the mistake of showing her… it feels like its just a pattern. SHe started reading it and now she can’t stop or else it would show that she doesn’t like it. Or that its not good. Not that she absolutely feels that way, but when its anybody but yourself how can you be sure?

I can’t very well show it to a teacher. who would care besides an English teacher, right? She’s very supportive of me, and I don’t always doubt she would lie to me. She is good at sugar coating constructive criticism though. But still, she doesn’t exactly have time for it. i wouldn’t want to bother her with it.

I guess in the end I just get too bogged down thinking its automatically rubbish and that everyone is lying to me (yes, yes I know! I sound completely paranoid, and maybe I am, but I’m getting by… oh sod what other people think of it, Ill keep writing) but in the end I lose sense of that life. Or maybe its that the hysteria people show towards it, that I loose sense of the meager spark of life my characters once had, in comparison to the blaze they put on for show. The stories always end up seeming somewhat dead to me, I think. Oh ok, I’m getting lost in my own rabbit holes of my mind… And this is long enough anyways.

SO point is: Motivational blog post by CClester convincing me to keep writing regardless of what other people think. 🙂

Edit addition: OH and btw, just thought I’d let the world know: I’ve finally filled up a notebook! Its a small notebook, plastic bound, but its a good one to be the start. Next are my ancient, attic found, leather bound ones, which i should go through quickly seeing as I’ve recently taken to writting in fine crayola markers. Though the leather bound already has the startings of one short story and another novella and the notebook had many other poems and short short stories in it, the piece i’m working on now, is , I think, my longest lasting piece so far. so YAY! And heres to hoping it continues! (I’ve been writting it all on paper first- yes with marker, and only one person has read a substantial amount and only one other person has read the prologue and first chapter… Lets see if it works, shall we?

btw, if anyone reads this, and has any suggestionf for names? I need a Nordic/ scandinavia (possibly sweedish, icelandic, or danish) boys name, and last name, and a girl’s name. I’ve named her sister Amy for some reason… its a name I’ve never thought much of. And Im kinda leaning towards Laura or lauren for her… But I like to go with not over done names which can portray the character well. But not too obscure either… So if anyone has any suggestions because I normally leave the main characters as hes, shes, and its until the book is substantially developed because I can never decide on anything… But I really should go and do something with my life!

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German Expressionism

Welcome back to school and ordinary life everyone. How are we all holding up? I sincerly hope you are all doing better than me. This Monday was so horible I had to come home and paint my nails chrome to make myself feel better… Im not a nail polish person, much, so this should tell you how bad it was.

Seriously, from waiting for the bus for half an hour, to lugging all my stuff around school… why do even the light books seem heavy after the dog days of summer???

Anyways, I think it’s just that I’ve got a really bad monday schedual… come to think about it I don’t htink I’ve got one good day. I mean who want’s to start off the week with a two periods of Chemistry and then another two periods of Geography (which would be fine if we didnt have the teacher we have… snooze FEST! except you can’t snooze cause he’s HYPERACTIVE!!!) then I have double Art… which could be ok except for two things:

1. The Harpies

2. The Expressionists

Ok so the harpies are a group of girls I have in my class, some of whom read this blog, though its no secret that I call them this and my teacher has actually agreed and started as well… Seee… if you know ancient greek mythologyu and know them, then it makes sense. Because they are so loud and screachy and then shit all over your food.

Ok so maybe thats a bit harsh… let me explain… So there’s this group of girls, who I have no hard feelings against, and can get along with each of them individually very well… but one of them alone is able to reach the decibell capacity of my ears, so I dread having them all together. Ok so four teenage girls. Sociallites, which we all know I’m not, who love to spend their time TITTERING away. Seriously, they even admit it, when I say they screach, they SCREACH!  So I’m in a bad enough mood by the time the first bell rings with a head ache and ringing ears, and then one of them or the other comes over and leans over my shoulder for half an hour before screaching “OMG i LOVE IT!!!” seriously, without fail, those words. Or else, it might be ‘OMG THATS AWESOME! ITS LIKE SO AWESOME!” which, sure thanks for the praise and all, get on my nerves. Or as my favourite Greek saying going “Kanei tsourekia ta nevra mou!” (braids my nerves). Not only is it the lack of elloquence or the invariability of the “compliments” or if its the high pitched tone of the voice or the colloquial manerism in which it is said… I dont know which but all to gether they make me feel as if its not such a compliment. It certainly doesn’t feel sincere, though I don’t know if it is, so who am I to say? That’s the shitting on you food when your starving bit. Because whether you think what you’re working on is utter crap (which for me it is alot of the time) or if you think its actually pretty good for once (which it can sometimes be) it just makes me feel more crappy about the work. Either that they’re taking the mickey out of me by sayin that something that is crap is good as though I don’t know the difference, or by saying that something is “good” (air quotes= not so good… crap) when I actually think it’s half decent for once and not fully worthy of the garbadge can… 😦

Maybe worst of all though is how horrible they seem to know me, after all these years… I mean they KNOW I’m clausterphobic, and I make a point of telling them that and how that’s why I don’t want them to lean over me… Instead all they do is take a step back, which in a way makes it even worse, knowing that their there but not RIGHT there… you know when not knowing is worse than knowing… and second of all… they KNOW that I HATE Compliments because they all seem insincere to me. oK not all… I can tell some real ones, but they still make me feel really self conscious… so all in all I end up feeling like they are attacking me… making me feel bad about myself…  which wouldn’t be entirely possible seeing as there are only about 8 girls in the class and two boys and the boys are both quiet and the harpies make up about 5 of the girls… And incase anyone should read this, you know, I shouldn’t even have to say, that I don’t feel that way about you guys… I just can’t stand being in a room where I’m supposed to be expressing myself but end up feeling oppressed anyways, for two and a half hours a week with you guys…

I don’t think you read this anymore though. I’m not interesting enough. XD

Have you guys ever felt personally assaulted and attacked by a group of people that you used to consider friends? Silly question, I know. How about having been attacked and not having known why? I odften get callled out when I actually voice my oppinion. Any advice on how to deal with people when they treat you lik that? I try to just keep my cool rather than blwoing my top, but then my indifference to their oppinions on my oppinions get me called out as an emo, even though, my love affair with bright vibrant colours and desire to keep my hair out of my face would depict me as anything but…

ok so what makes art lessons even worse right now is that we are studying German Expressionism. I mean, I like seeing it sometimes. I like how it can make me feel what the subject felt, which is moer often than not despair and greif and hunger and such… but I just don’t enjoy doing it. I mean who likes doing something that they know they aren’t very good at and don’t enjoy? As an exercise we took pictures of ourselves in a german expressionistic pose and printed out many copies, tapped them to the windows and drew on the back with bold black lines to eliminate the details and lines we didn’t want (cause our final aim is to transfer the image to a piece of lino and do a lino cute of it, which you know I love…) And so I started off with some pictures of notme 😛 One was this indian woman which I thought was really interesting, though the printer faded the ink on the most interesting section so I couldn’t really do it well, and a piece of Mother Theresa, I think it was… So these two wrinkly old women (no offence…)

And one of them actually looked pretty good… but then one of the art teachers ruined my finally lifting spirits (I had to sit on a desk too, to get to the window 😛 ) by saying that I couldn’t use those in my lino cut because I didn’t take the pictures… And when I told him I really didn’t want to do one of myself, he said, well then go and find someone in the room and get them to pose and take a pictuer of them and do that… NO BLOODY THANK YOU… I’LL SUFFER WITH A SELF PORTRAIT THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! lot of bloody help he was! I’m not about to ask someone in my art class to pose for me, especially when I’m the one with the camera phobia. I mean its just mean to not like something and so inflict it on someone else… Would you?

So for the time being, since there were only another 30 minutes left in the class and it would have taken longer to take another picture and print it in the dodgy printer… so I stuck with the others that had been printed already. The teacher who had told me off though, had been working on a picture of me since the begining of the lesson. See how come his turned out so good and mine turned out like crap? I’ll have to put up a pic of mine and his. His was much nmroe expressionistic than mine. Mine was just fail line drawing…

Does anyone have really strong feelings on post WWI german expressionism? It’s kinda love or hate so who loves it and who hates it?

Any ideas, other than earplugs, to improve the art lessons?

sigh…

I can’t stand writting such a wholly negative post so Imma change the topic.

Has anybody read the book “Shiver” or any of the “wolves of Mercy Falls” series or any other book by Maggie Stiefvater? I really love her writting. She’s great. I loved shiver. It really touched me. Ten times better than the twilight craze. I actually cried durring the last chapter, and I don’t normally cry for movies… and even though it was just comfortably predictable.

Well even if you haven’t please go on Amazon and read the first few pages and then join the page on Facebook that is trying to get it made into a movie. It really should. It would be an awesome movie, though the book was just plain incredible.

Are there any other books that you would like to see made into a move? I normallyu refrain from wanting a book to be made into a movie, if its good. otherwise i the idea is good but the writter wasn’t all that great, then I say sure, but normally the movies just ruin it. With shiver though, i just think it deserves to be made into a movie! It was so great it deserves the publicity! Kudos Maggie!

Meet Missy!

Spring Time in CanadaWell hello there everyone!

I promised you all a link to my friend Missy’s new blog and here it is:       http://missymoooonstar.wordpress.com/

She has made it her purpose to prove that teenagers CAN think. When you were a kid, didn’t everyone always look down at you and tell you how much you had left to learn? Tell you how you thought you were so smart… when you weren’t (even if you WERE right and they were wrong)? Well the two of us both love reading. And I love writing poetry. No haickus and meaningless limericks for me. I like the deep matter. Life, Love, Happiness and Death. Oh sure there are a few more. Human rights, animal rights, illness, injustice, frustration, prejudice and so on. Some people read them and are supportive, or give praise even. Congratulate me on my vocabulary, on how I presented my ideas and so on.  But of course there are those odd few that are utterly bitter and say how I’m only biting off more than I can chew and making a mask of my writing. They think that just because I’m 16 I can’t write something deep, or have my own, unbiased views on the meaning of life, and beliefs about what’s important, or what makes me happy or so on without them being stereotypical. THOSE are the people I think are living their life with blinders on. THOSE are the people who people who are shallow, and hypocritical and just plain ignorant to the fact that yes, teenagers can think, do have minds, and personalities and do not all just go with the pop culture stream…

Anyways, that’s why I’ll occasionally put up a poem or two, or a recipe I like or anything of the sort, to show you guys out there what teenagers can be like, and that is why Missy is trying to get input from the world and come up with a big theory of the meaning of life. We each have some parts of our own, and like I said before, I will (hopefully) be contributing to her blog quite a bit.

Her most recent blog was on music, the universal language.

My mom always said that there were only three things that not even cultural, appearance, or even class differences can separate from person to person. Those are maths, love and music. Because no matter what no matter where you are even, 2pi r squared is the area of a circle, and you can’t do anything about it if you like someone. These things have been programmed in us, Mathematics into our brains from our early childhood, and love and attraction from adaptations, its in our genes. Music on the other hand, goes beyond that even. I think that when you dance, or you sing, or you play music, you are praising God, life, the world. Your fellow people and inhabitants of it, the tree outside your window and the flower blossoming down the road. Music is something, like magic that resides deeper than our minds and hearts. Its more than instinct and a textbook. Its something unimaginably powerful and unsurprisingly is the base of the two other universal languages. What came first, music or love? Trigonometry or music? What came first, the lyrics or the song, the dance or the beat? Its hard to say. But they are all each other. There’s a reason why all great mathematicians are somehow, even subconsciously musically gifted. Two of the three math teachers at my school play music. My oldest brother, a musical prodigy, and exception to the 10 year rule, is a great mathematician when he applies his whole mind. Music is all about expression, as is love, as is dance. Dance is all about expression and love. Love is FULL of music and dance! Why do you think newlyweds’ first dance together is such a big deal? its their first act of trust, unison, expression to each other while wrapped in the music (no formulas floating around visibly and cornily, but they are there).

If you want to hear some absolutely amazing lectures on music and everything I was just talking about you should go to the New York City Lincoln center and hear some of Branford Marsalis’ workshops “Jazz at the Lincoln Center” are full of great music and profoundly deep lectures.

Sadly, though I love escaping from the world and writing here, I must return and start revising and doing homework and all the horribly standard things that await a teenage girl when she re-awakes into the world.

More Later,

Mirella Rose

P.S. picture credits to my dear friend Mike in Canada. He took and allowed me to use the picture you see above. I know it might be a bit random, but I thought it was beautiful and might remind us all that spring always comes round at sometime or other, its just waiting for when you will most appreciate it. Enjoy it while it lasts, soon it will be too hot and after that too cold. Embrace the grey area, the No man’s Land.

Well thats Annoying!- Life just gave me Lemons…

I spent about two hours last night writing my first post…only to find out this morning, that I don’t think it actually posted!!! Isn’t that annoying???? Oh well I suppose its for the better. I went off on a bit of a rant.

So I’ll Just tell you a bit about myself… First of all, Hello Everyone… or anyone.

My Name is Mirella Rosaria. Most people call me Ella, or Ella Rose for a totally abbreviated version.  I love my name. It was my grandmother’s. I look like her, and was named after her from birth. I have light eyes, pale skin with freckles and light hair. SO light some people call it blond even though I call it “hair coloured hair” (to quote my favourite Madeline L’Engle book). Needless to say I look nothing like my twin sister, who has dark hair, skin and eyes just like the rest of my family. I live in New York, just a 45 min metro ride from Grand Central Station. But despite that both my parents have Mediterranean backgrounds. My father is Italian, and moved to New York city when he was young, though he would spend the entire summer back in Italy and whenever else he could. He met my mom, a Greek Canadian living in Montreal when they were both going to University in Vermont.  They moved to the Suburbs when they got married, wanting my brothers and sister and I to have a child’s life.

Anyways so a bit more about myself:

  • I am 16 years old
  • your not so common teenager
  • LOVE :
  1. BOOKS
  2. DANCING
  3. MUSIC (making or listening :P)
  4. ART (photography, paint, charcoal, pastel, and as of most recently engraving)
  5. WRITING

That said, I write anything from poems to short stories… maybe I’ll post some here sometimes to get some objective feedback. I also dance any style, though most people forget that and think I just do Ballet and Jazz. I also play instruments… well violin mostly though I used to play piano, flute and drums as well (see I forgot that in the last one…). As for art… Well I take photographs, but so does most people now adays… Therefore I also sketch, paint, draw in detail, use pastels, and make engravings which i can then copy using a printing press… That last one was newly discovered by me and I LOVE IT!!! I never knew I would like it so much… but i get to involve drawing, with ink with paint… because there is nothing like working back into a print with water colour or oil paint…

So now, item de jour…

I had intended this blog to be a creative outlet, for me and you readers alike. We can share poems… story ideas, even art work if anyone wants to scan… talk about our favourite songs from all styles of music… but I also thought… since I bake a lot! y’all might like a few recipes…

So today, since life gave me lemons with this post… Im making lemon squares. Will get the recipe for you all later. And if anyone ever wants a recipe for something in particular, let me know in comments and I’ll see what I can find!!!

cheerio world!