Me again.

I’ve gotten an awful knot in my back that I can not seem to get rid of. Probably from sleeping upright or curled in a ball…

After my last post, I tried to get up and do something with my life, alas I could not… I was just too uncomfortable, so I came back to my trusty nook and took to reading some, browsing the web, and reading freshly pressed. It seems I can not focus on anything. I spend the hours aimlessly lumbering around the house, wincing with every step, breath and cough.

One thing, however, on the freshly pressed page, caught my attention and I keep going back to it.

http://theelementarycircle.wordpress.com/2011/02/24/so-am-i-an-author-yet

Beautiful words there. Truly inspirational and motivational.  They kept coming back to me in a jumbles of ways, especially guilt at the stories I’ve left as barely finished word files on my documents in a special folder titled literature (everyone assumes its English Literature coursework and doesn’t bother to look there for anything juicy- so shhhh!)

So I ask, what keeps you going? What burns and fuels the story onwards? Whats the secret to giving a story a plausible spark of life?

That seems to be my problem. I’ll be working on something just fine, burning up the pages and pens, or the keyboard (wherever I happen to be writing, and I’ve found projects last longer when I work on paper and then copy into word files but always putting new text first on actual paper.) However, as soon as I show it to someone, it drains. It becomes a pail with a hole; a leaking balloon; a cracked window pane in the dead of winter… letting all the good stuff out. Where first I’ll have perceived a spark of life, sharing the story with others seems to steal that. I don’t know if its just in my head, if I get bored of it, or if I drop it because lately there just isn’t enough hours in the day… Whatever it is, I’d like to put a stop to it. I have 6 pieces on my laptop that I’ve worked on, off and on, since August.

I don’t know…

When you are working on something, and excited about it, do you share it? or wait until its complete? I always try to wait until the story is somewhat underway so that when/if I show it to other people, their opinions and thoughts won’t distract where I feel it taking me.

Another issue, another reason why I think it looses life for me, is, something I’ve mentioned before.

I hate compliments. I know, I know. It’s stupid. I mean who doesn’t like having something nice said to their face? provided its sincere that is. But that’s just it! No compliment is truly sincere! (or at least I don’t feel they are). When someone says they like your outfit, or shoes, or says that you are good at something- how often can you be sure its not hollow? That they aren’t just saying it to have you say the same thing back? I mean how often do we go around our lives and here someone compliment someone on (again) their hair, or shoes, or clothes (ok, so maybe I’m being a typical girl here, and this is just another reason why I envy guys because they don’t have all this put on them- I dont think) only to get the smile dripping, automatic reply of “Thanks, me to!” or whatever is fitting. I always feel that I’m put in an awkward position when receiving a compliment. There are three different cases:

1. From a peer: in which case all I can think is “Do I say thank you and walk off? Do I smile and compliment them? Do I compliment their hair, shoes, purse, shirt? WHat is it that they feel proud of that they want to flaunt? Or what is it that they feel insecure about and want validation for? (I’m normally pretty trustworthy- I think)

2. From a guy friend: which are the easiest because they don’t normally double twist meanings and go through the expense of complimenting a person just to have their own ego stoked. Still they aren’t always truthful so depending on who its coming from Ill either ignore it completely or smile and say thanks. None of this stupid girly, hair twirling ” Really? You thinks so?” -SOOOO passe!

3. From an adult/teacher: If its about something they have to do with, like if I did well in the recent show, I always feel compelled to explain how much thanks I owe to them for making it so wonderful or whatever. Its true, but I still feel awkward and compelled to do so. So I normally try to get that in before they can give me a compliment so that I know whether theirs is true or not. When its from an adult I get along well with, someone I consider more of a peer, its again a no problem zone. Then, the compliments are mature, and not gushy like, and i can take them in stride and bank them.

I know. I’m paranoid. What can I say? the thing is no matter where you look, people lie to you. You can’t trust family, because they have to love you no matter what, so I never show anything to my mom because she will either discourage me from it or say how wonderful it is, depending on what it is. I don’t show it to my dad because he probably wouldn’t care. I don’t show it to my brothers because they would just twist it around to make fun of me (*sigh*boiz) I’ll sometimes show it to my sister, but just because I know her so well and, well also because I’d feel bad ‘hiding’ something from her.

Friends? Please. Their worthless- when it comes to honesty that is. I’ve got one or two that I sometimes feel I can get the truth from, but when I get what they think is true and its good… well no one is that perfect… So I move on. It’s just, no mater what, they aren’t going to want to hurt you, especially when they know you well enough to see, even trying to hide it, how excited you are about something. So when my friend requests updates on every chapter I’ve written for a story I made the mistake of showing her… it feels like its just a pattern. SHe started reading it and now she can’t stop or else it would show that she doesn’t like it. Or that its not good. Not that she absolutely feels that way, but when its anybody but yourself how can you be sure?

I can’t very well show it to a teacher. who would care besides an English teacher, right? She’s very supportive of me, and I don’t always doubt she would lie to me. She is good at sugar coating constructive criticism though. But still, she doesn’t exactly have time for it. i wouldn’t want to bother her with it.

I guess in the end I just get too bogged down thinking its automatically rubbish and that everyone is lying to me (yes, yes I know! I sound completely paranoid, and maybe I am, but I’m getting by… oh sod what other people think of it, Ill keep writing) but in the end I lose sense of that life. Or maybe its that the hysteria people show towards it, that I loose sense of the meager spark of life my characters once had, in comparison to the blaze they put on for show. The stories always end up seeming somewhat dead to me, I think. Oh ok, I’m getting lost in my own rabbit holes of my mind… And this is long enough anyways.

SO point is: Motivational blog post by CClester convincing me to keep writing regardless of what other people think. 🙂

Edit addition: OH and btw, just thought I’d let the world know: I’ve finally filled up a notebook! Its a small notebook, plastic bound, but its a good one to be the start. Next are my ancient, attic found, leather bound ones, which i should go through quickly seeing as I’ve recently taken to writting in fine crayola markers. Though the leather bound already has the startings of one short story and another novella and the notebook had many other poems and short short stories in it, the piece i’m working on now, is , I think, my longest lasting piece so far. so YAY! And heres to hoping it continues! (I’ve been writting it all on paper first- yes with marker, and only one person has read a substantial amount and only one other person has read the prologue and first chapter… Lets see if it works, shall we?

btw, if anyone reads this, and has any suggestionf for names? I need a Nordic/ scandinavia (possibly sweedish, icelandic, or danish) boys name, and last name, and a girl’s name. I’ve named her sister Amy for some reason… its a name I’ve never thought much of. And Im kinda leaning towards Laura or lauren for her… But I like to go with not over done names which can portray the character well. But not too obscure either… So if anyone has any suggestions because I normally leave the main characters as hes, shes, and its until the book is substantially developed because I can never decide on anything… But I really should go and do something with my life!